03.28.13 Sexuality

Sexy Is More Than How You Look on the Outside

Sexy Is More Than How You Look on the Outside

BY Karla Wellington

Looking in the mirror this month, the familiar face that looks back at me is unrecognizable. Due to some ongoing health issues I’ve been administered some ongoing treatment which has morphed my face into what I can simply describe as balloon like. My face changed on the second day of consuming these pills, prior to that I was feeling like my old self again, finally- after two years of finishing Cancer treatment. As my image stared back, none of the features were recognizable and my first instinct was to laugh at the irony of how quickly an image can impact every pore of your being again.

Coincidentally, weeks prior my husband had made me his subject of many photo essays for his personal collection documenting my ongoing transformation as I began my strict regime physically, mentally and spiritually. I had become comfortable with the fact that for me all that I had learnt from my Cancer bout would not be summed up after I was done with my treatment, and it would in fact change my life and would make me thirsty for constant growth on a daily basis, the photographs were a reflection of that growth and dare I say I loved them.

Finding myself in a familiar place where my body had become a burden is tough and the complexity of feeling pain, frustration and just not feeling sexy but observing an image that is unappealing. Despite of all my ongoing health challenges the idea of myself as a woman has not changed I have always felt that sex was a beautiful thing and have felt blessed recognizing that despite coming from a cultural background where it is considered an act of procreation not pleasure. What is frustrating is that I can’t seem to remember what it’s like to be simply ‘normal.’

As I see other people living their lives and simply worrying about cellulite and those extra five pounds, I relish at the concept of obsessing about those mundane things but instead my concerns are vastly more serious and pronounced. What I have learned and continue to learn from this set back is that I cannot allow the image staring back at me to impact the passion that I feel as a woman despite the fact that so many classic elements of what I’m supposed to be comfortable with are lacking. This is temporary and it too shall pass, but until it does putting my life, love and instinctual sensual desires on hold would just be another source of misery and giving in to the idea that I’m in a mode of suffering when in fact I’m simply in a mode of living with obstacles and that I too deserve those beloved moments of joy and pleasure.

Despite this challenging time, the year end trip is looking like a reality, and in my case it’s a light at the end of a dark tunnel that is really serving to motivate me to get through this. Keep filling up your jars, it will make your own personal journey much easier and more fun.

I am a wife-mother-fashion-food-music & culture enthusiast, blogger, freelance remote corporate associate & wardrobe coiffure. I have survived breast cancer, breakups, fashion mishaps and eyelash extensions. I am a big believer that DNA doesn't make you a family. Our family is comprised of a myriad of characters that have the commonalities of love-loyalty-commitment and presence. Life has given me a million reasons to cry, and many more to laugh. Follow me on my recently launched blog, City Girl Seeking Culture in the Burbs, where I share stories highlighting my endless search for all that is inspiring in art, theater, music and fashion in the 'burbs. You can also follow me on Twitter @KWellington.

Comments

  • Catherine Astolfo

    Karla, I am always inspired by your columns. When I look down at my poor misshapen breast and almost feel badly, I remember that giving up that little chunk of flesh was nothing in comparison to what others have had to endure. Not only that, but my former beauty queen breast made that sacrifice to save to the essence of ME. And I will always be grateful. I think that, because you are such a beautiful woman, your poignant moments of self-consciousness are even more powerful. You help a lot of people with your sharing, including me.

  • Bruce

    I too have had complication from medications but it will pass soon enough, good luck.

    Don’t forget, Karla…….everyone loves balloons! 🙂

    • Karla Wellington

      balloons are fun 🙂

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