04.30.12 Truth & Wisdom
I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love my daughter and my husband. Once they entered my life, it became nearly impossible to imagine my life without them (I say nearly because after a couple breakups with my now Mister, before marriage, I almost came close). I have a lot of fears in life – two of my biggest ones being waking up one day and feeling like I wasted this precious gift I was given called life and the other being losing my husband or child.
I tend to struggle on a day-to-day basis because while my job can be rewarding at times, it doesn’t make my heart sing. I don’t love what I do. I put my heart into it often times at my own expense and sometimes at the expense of my family but I don’t feel like I’m doing what I was created to do. My frustration is that I spend so many hours of my life doing something that doesn’t bring me a sense of joy.
Then there’s my fear of loss – my fear of not spending my forever and always with the people I love most. I am terrified of a life without my husband or my child by my side, not being able to grow old with my love or not being able to watch my children blossom into adults and witness and be a part of their journey to adulthood. Every day I see and hear countless stories of loss. We’ve experienced it in our own family but it’s difficult to fathom losing a child or spouse. And in my moments of selfishness, I have hoped that my time comes before theirs so that I never have to experience such pain or live a life that they aren’t a part of.
I have shared my fear with my husband on numerous occasions. His solution? “Just live.” Just live. He reminds me to make the most of the time I do have with my family. Make the most of the hours I’m not working and just live. At moments like that, he is my voice of reason reminding me that I shouldn’t be so fixated on my fear of what could happen that I fail to enjoy the present and miss out on all that is happening right now.
We are in the business of making memories in our house and I want to make beautiful ones not just for my husband and my daughter but for myself too. I want to wake up years from now and know that I made the greatest investment in my family, that I wasn’t so focused on obtaining things or reaching a certain level or status that I let my moments, our moments, slip away. After all, my most precious possessions are the people – my family and the memories we share. Those memories are what get me through my work day and my desire to create new ones keeps me going even when its a struggle to do so.
My fears may always be there but even greater is my desire to not just exist but to truly live. So perhaps I am coming to terms that will never be completely “fearless” but if I can simply strive to fear less, enjoy the now, take the occasional leap of faith and believe that things will work out for the best my journey will be a more joyous one. May I fear less so that I might truly live. May I just live.
Featured image via Jake Beasley on Flickr