11.30.13 Truth & Wisdom

Confessions of a Disappointment

Confessions of a Disappointment

BY Krista Doyle

To my friends and family back home,

Over the past year and a half, I have disappointed a lot of you. In most interactions I have with you, you are quick to point out that I am not the girl you used to know, and that you are unhappy with the changes that are happening in my life. I pretend to be strong and sure in the face of your disapproval. I pretend that it doesn’t affect me because I know that these changes are for the better. And while I really do believe that these changes are necessary and more true to who I am, it is never easy to hear you tell me that I am a little less in your eyes because of them.

To my friends, I am still the girl who used to ride the back roads with you on your golf cart because we were too young to drive cars. I am still the girl who stayed up with you all night telling you secrets and listening to yours. I am still the girl who made dance videos with you in the church bathroom until 3am on the first night I ever drank coffee. I am still the girl who hugged you until you stopped crying and made you laugh by wiping the snot from your nose with my bare hand. I am still the girl who let you do the same when it was me who couldn’t stop crying. I am still the girl who snuck onto private property with you for the sake of a really good rope swing. I am still that girl.

To my family, I am still the girl who when she was nine, couldn’t sleep until she gave you a hug goodnight. I am still the girl who sits on the couch and rubs her pillow corners when she is feeling content. I am still the girl who danced in her diaper and a huge red hair-bow to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston. I am still the girl who used to get splinters in her hands from playing on hay bells with Zach. I am still the girl who made Tori stick candy up her nose on vacation. I am still the girl who was scared to open the door every time there were frogs on our porch. I am still the girl who loved riding with Paw Paw on his tractor. I am still the girl who made you watch Cry Baby, Homeward Bound, and The Little Mermaid about a million times each. I am still that girl.

But I am also the girl who is desperately trying to figure out this new season of her life. I am both confused and confident at the same time. I don’t even know how that is possible, but it is. I am still figuring out what it means to be a long-distance friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter while also staying present in my life here. I am still figuring out what my life here even looks like. I am trying so hard to figure out what I want, what I need, who I am, and where I belong while also trying to block out what everyone else in my life wants me to be. I know you are disappointed in many of the paths I have chosen to take, but please don’t forget who I have been to you. You know my innermost parts. You know me. Please don’t forget who I am because I am scared I will start to forget, too. Know that it hurts me to know that I have hurt you. It hurts me to know that you may see me as less of a person now. But I hope that somewhere, deep down, you really do want me to be happy even if my happiness is different than what you wanted for me. I hope that you are maybe a little proud that you raised me and influenced my life in such a way that I feel strong enough to fight to figure out who I am instead of passively accept what is expected of me.

But most of all, I hope that you don’t leave me. Because I am scared. Because I am confused. Because I am lonely. And because I can’t do this without you there to remind me who I am in my heart of hearts. Know that through all the changes, through all the confusion and mistakes, after all the wish I hads and wish I hadn’ts, I will come out on the other side better. Happier. Stronger. Smarter. A better friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter.

And I will still be me.

Krista Doyle is a Varsity cuddler, fancies herself a member of most boy bands, and spends way too much time on Twitter @Krista_Doyle, Tumblr and Instagram.

Comments

  • Nana

    So moving! Keep staying true to who you really are!

  • xpressangel

    Wow! I could have written every word of this. Thank you. Pleases know there are lots of others who feel the same way:-)

  • Joy-Carey

    this so how i feel right now and so true!

  • Meridith

    Thanks for sharing this. Your words are immensly valuable to me. It takes courage to be true to who you are regardless of the expectations other people or your family may have for your life. If you are letting your light shine, in my opinion, then you are doing what we are put on this earth to do.

  • Thank you for sharing this. I think we’ve all been there. Keep it up.

  • Meme Perkins

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