Having lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 13, I know first-hand what it is like to be a child without a mother. Not only from my own experience, but also by seeing what my siblings went through growing up without her. I was the second oldest, so besides having a brother who was 15, I also had a brother & sister who were only 9 & 7 yrs old at the time. That made me very aware that we were fortunate to have our mother for the short time that we did and that other kids have no parents from an even younger age, including since birth. For me, adoption has never been thought of as a last resort to becoming a parent. It was something that I have always considered. I do not have any children and I am currently single. If I were to meet the right person and decide that I wanted to have children, adoption would absolutely be a path that I would explore. As for whether adoption is as culturally celebrated at birth, on the whole of society, no – but I do think that perceptions are changing for the better. I also think it depends in part on what kind of family you come from. I know from my own, that they would be extremely welcoming to an adopted child and would love and treat them just as they would any other child in the family. Some families, however, are not as open both in their minds and hearts. Hopefully, that will also change for the better in the future.

Unfortunately, adoption is not as culturally celebrated as birth because it is often so misunderstood. I have been in the process of trying to adopt a baby for a year and a half. While I remain hopeful that someday soon I will become a mother, coping with the expectations and heartaches of this process has been more discouraging than I ever imagined. No one talks about the failed adoptions, which are much more common than one thinks: from being scammed out of thousands of dollars by lawyers or agencies who match you with birth mothers who are using their pregnancy as a vehicle to make money to birth mothers who change their minds after they’ve already placed the baby in your home–these are the painful experiences that I, and friends of mine, have endured. You’re so hopeful, so desirous of starting a family, that people prey on your vulnerability, even those very people whom you’ve paid to protect your interests.

There’s the cultural insensitivity that goes along with adoption: the incessant questions of why don’t you just have your own? Why are you trying to adopt when you’re not married? Ignorant people tell you you can’t love a baby that’s not biologically yours. If you’re adopting transracially, you get questioned “is that really your child?”

You can’t have a baby shower before the birth, because technically the baby isn’t yours until the birth mother relinquishes her rights. You can’t get excited or prepared for the baby because you’re told over and over again the baby isn’t yours and might never be yours. You aren’t given much health information about the baby or about the birth family because that’s often self disclosed, so you often don’t know about hereditary diseases or family history. You don’t get that glow that pregnant women get, because you’re not allowed to be happy about having a child, since you are so aware that your happiness is built on someone else’s grief and pain.
You can’t plan ahead because you never know when that phone call is going to come. You always have to be ready for your life to change within an instant, especially if this is your first child. My job doesn’t have maternity leave, so we’re allowed to use our sick days; however, since I’m not physically having the baby, I had to get special permission to use my sick days, and even then it wasn’t a guarantee that I’d have the same rights as other new mothers. If a woman loses a baby, a miscarriage is understood. It’s truly tragic; however, if an adoption fails, you’re told that you shouldn’t be emotional about it because that was never your baby to begin with.

What society doesn’t understand is that many adopting parents already suffered through not being able to have their own children. When you’ve come to terms with that and then experience a failed adoption, it’s so much more painful.
Nevertheless, however one comes to be a parent is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated. I have suffered much disappointment, but I remain hopeful that someday, I will become a mom.