06.26.12 Sexuality

Sex Has To Be An Open Conversation
BY Elizabeth Wren
I was about 10 years old when my mom asked me if I knew what “oral sex” meant. I remember the moment clearly. I was riding in the backseat of our minivan. It was one of those rare times when it was just the two of us. I don’t know where my older brothers were, but I’m sure my mom had been waiting for a moment like this to ask me. It was around the time Bill Clinton’s scandal was picking up national attention. I’ve been a news junkie since I was a kid, so I’m guessing my mom figured I’d heard the term and probably wondered what it meant. I suspect her real fear was that I’d already asked my friends. It was probably a huge moment for her, for 4th grade me it was a blip on the radar. I know I sat quietly for a moment piecing together the meaning of those words that I already knew. I remembered the meaning of oral and I sort of knew what sex meant (okay, not at all). After a brief pause I proudly said “It means talking about sex” and that was the end of that. My mom didn’t bring it up again.
I got older and of course learned the definition of oral sex. I took the state required health classes and had occasional talks with my mom when I had questions. To her credit, she did the very best she could to keep me informed on the basics. She never shied away from answering questions, it’s just that I didn’t have a lot. As a teenager I got myself involved in church and it was relatively easy to avoid learning much about sex if I just promised to wait until I was married.
That was easy as a teenager, but eventually you become an adult. I learned that while I was focused on saving this big thing I knew very little about, my peers were actually learning what it was and how it felt. So I entered into young adulthood feeling very late to the party.
Again, I want to stress that my mom did a wonderful job of answering questions, but I’m not sure she initiated much talk about sex. Who can blame her? I doubt her mom had many conversations with her on the topic. I was raised in the South by parents who were also raised in the South (and so on, as far back as we can track). This is a region where talking about sex is simply taboo. I recently lived in Mississippi where parents are still fighting the good fight to keep sex ed out of schools completely. A state, mind you, that has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country.
I’m going to talk to my kids about sex. I mean really talk to them. It’s going to be an ongoing conversation. I don’t have kids yet, but this is my vow. I will initiate conversations about sex. I will aim to be the first person to explain certain terms to them. I will never make them feel like their sexuality is a thing to cover up. I will empower them.
I have a great deal of respect for the tough decisions parents make. I understand that parenting is deeply personal. When it comes down to it, every person with a child is just muddling through without much instruction. That’s why I’m taking it upon myself to break a cycle. I’m going to change the way my kids learn about sex. I don’t want them to hear about blow jobs on the school bus before I explain oral sex to them. I don’t want my daughters to think Cosmo is the ultimate handbook for such things. I want them to be empowered. I want them to know that sex is an important part of their adult life, but there’s a time and place for it.
I want sex with my kids to be an open conversation from the moment they start to wonder.
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