07.18.13 Sexuality
Why Is Sex So Dirty? To Talk About, That Is.
BY Alexa Lustró
It recently dawned on me that I know absolutely nothing about some of the women in my life- sexually, that is.
We just don’t really talk about it. Sex. I think, perhaps, that I kind of thought that we were. But it’s always in that intangible fake way, isn’t it? What I mean is that we’re always vaguely alluding to it. Oh my word, so amazingly hot. Borderline boring. He didn’t really know what he was doing. We have lots of chemistry. It was such a fun night. Dot dot dot.
Which is why it took me a while to realize that speaking about sex: how you like it, how to make it better, where you learned what, if you’ll do that, what you’re sure works- is just… not really happening.
Why Is This Always So Painfully Awkward?
I noticed it the other night while out to dinner with some friends. One of the women at the table was talking about the date she’d finally spent the night with, and she said, “So then we went home, and we had great chemistry, and it was a really fun time, anyways…” and I wondered if those details would ever be shared.
At the risk of making a vast and sweeping generalization, women are supposed to be the communicative ones of the species, right? So why is it that we don’t feel comfortable trusting each other enough to speak about that part of ourselves? I know, I know. Sex is personal. But we’re already speaking about every other part of our daily lives, so why leave this part out?
I sometimes over share by nature, so I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of those who may perhaps, possibly, potentially be slightly more reserved than I am when it comes to these things. As someone who thinks sex is something to be celebrated as a regular part of life, I’ve certainly gotten a few tense looks and strained smiles over the years, mostly due to my distaste for the euphemisms like “great chemistry” that I mentioned before.
I’m really curious as to whether all the not talking about it can be any good for us. Are we all meant just keep going about our own business and pretend like it’s not happening? Why aren’t women swapping sex tips the way we do recipes or cookbooks? Instead, we seem to think that this is a self-taught discipline, or something only learned from our partners. A stupendously eloquent musician I know put it brilliantly: “I just always think of it like an apprenticeship. You’ve got to learn on the job.”
Hilarious. Intensely accurate. But also kind of preposterous, and alienating.
We have access to an information network (read: every single woman we know) from whom we really could get actual advice about how to improve our sex lives, but we just don’t. For fear of over sharing. For fear of appearing too curious. Too sexual. Too pervy. Too incompetent. Are you really telling me that we were all supposed to casually and smoothly transition from virgin to full-fledged sexpert? Who did that? Because I definitely, at the very least, missed the day when we were supposed to learn that spooning position. It’s totally lost on me, honestly. Is someone teaching a class?
Tips for Opening Up
I got into some pretty deep sex talk with my roommates over the weekend, which gave me real hope for the future of female communication worldwide. In a moment of pretty perfect cosmic timing, I’d been attempting to write out some ideas for this very article earlier in the day, and, lo and behold that very same night I found myself attempting to get into that goddamn spooning position. It was a pretty giggle-worthy experience, explaining how I had literally just written this one-liner earlier in the afternoon, which had then yet again been proven in the sack.
“Oh my god, wait, seriously, you can’t do spooning? But it’s amazing? Okay, I don’t know what I’m talking about at all, but here’s what I think…”
The trick is to ease in slowly. But seriously, as I mentioned before, I think most of us would admit that while we’re not experts, we probably have a trick or two worth sharing. If you want to speak more openly with the women in your life about your sexual endeavors— and I highly recommend that you do— come from a place of truth and humor and trust. That’s where most conversations worth having start anyways, don’t they? Oh, and be willing to share our own experiences, instead of snooping around for someone else’s. People share when they’re being shared with; those are just the rules of the playground.
Go ahead and give it a test drive. There’s so much joy and empowerment in being able to, oh, I don’t know, release the animal within. To get some advice about a new position. To celebrate a drunken conquest. To have the kind of friendship that allows for honest conversation without pretense or judgement, in which you can seriously just go ahead and get down to it.
I completely fell in love with Zoe Saldana when she answered Amanda’s classic sex position question this week. Starting into a in-depth explanation about her tips and tricks for when she’s on top: “Why am I stuttering? It’s so fucking natural.”
Preach, girl. It’s human nature, this crazy little thing called lovemaking. Just like everything else good and wonderful, I’m going to go ahead and say it’s something worth chatting about.
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